First of all, honest blog posts are hard to write. I've been staring at this blank Blogger screen for at least 20 minutes. I would think of how I wanted to say something, then change my mind. I typed in a word then erased it right away. I searched on Google for the perfect GIF which could express my feelings or tried to think of a story to open with. I tried to think of a funny way to spin what's going on in my head but I trashed those ideas too.
This is one of those blogging signs when you know things are about to get real.
I remember when I was in college and when I first was getting ready for my internship. I was really scared about what was going to happen next, but I was also really excited. Everyone else was excited for me too. Everyone I talked to had confidence that I was going to be awesome. Honestly, I feel like I could be compared to Elder Price from The Book of Mormon. Although, hopefully I wasn't quite as ego-tistic. You never know though. I might have been and just didn't want to admit it.
It was going to be incredible. Something my friends and professors and family members would be proud of. My friends and I had all of these lofty ideas about ministry and church and how we were going to change things.
|OK... Lutherans. Not Mormons. But you get the idea.|
I'm not who I was when I first started out, and that's a good thing. The Emily who started out was much more naive, immature, and had a lot of insecurities. Granted, I still have all of these things. But it's different now. I like who I am now, my views have changed about church and ministry, and my views of myself are different now too. This is a good thing, and I'm happy for it.
Yet, the last couple of days I can't help but feel pangs of sadness and even failure and regret as I look back at the last several years. I've been thinking about the moments where I didn't do the best that I could. There are situations I could have handled better. There are things I wish I could have changed.
A lot of changes are going to be happening at this congregation. Many of them honestly have nothing to do with me. They just happen to be happening at the time I am leaving. As I watch and listen to the ideas that are being thrown around, I like what I'm hearing. Part of me is jealous I won't be able to be there to see it in action.
I wonder if I gave up too quickly. Was there more I could have done?
Before all of you swoop in and try to reassure me that I've done well and I'm not Elder Price, etc. I know I'm not a failure. I think that even if I changed those things in the past and stuck around longer to see the changes here ultimately I would have made the same decision. I truly do feel this is the right choice.
Yet, these feelings are still there. They aren't always there. There are times when I know I have done well and it's simply time to move on.
But I still have to deal with the fact that I've made mistakes. I didn't do everything I had set out to do. Which maybe I wasn't supposed to. I don't know. Or maybe I'm supposed to do it in a different way. I can't always even remember what I wanted to do she I first started out. I have to see other people pick it up and do what I started. Or try something brand new.
Whenever I hear people talk about how one should never have regrets, I call BS. We all have regrets. We all have failures. If we deny this we're lying to ourselves and everyone around us.
Yet, In spite of our regrets and failures, we move on.
We have to pick ourselves up and keep going. Even if we don't know what the future holds.