It was playing the comparison game. It's so easy to do, isn't it? Seeing what other people have in life and what they've accomplished and being all "why don't I have that?" Whether it's jobs, relationship status, having kids, working out, accomplishing goals, going on vacations - there's so many things we can think about and wonder why some people get what we want and we don't have it.
What didn't help was my reading. One, I've been working through The Assassin's Blade by Sarah J Maas and it's the set of pre-quel novellas to the Throne of Glass series. Holy cow- so many emotions! I've been avoiding reading the last one because I know what's going to happen and I'm dreading it. Seriously, authors, why do you think we are emotionally stable enough to handle these things? Come on now.
To take a break from it, I was reading Attachments by Rainbow Rowell for The Book Worms. It is one of my favorite books written by her and I loved every moment of it. Except, you know, when it was making me horribly depressed. Which is odd because this is probably the happiest of her books. (It really is happy - I promise!) What got to me is that the main character Lincoln, I could relate to far more than I care to admit. At the age of 28 we seemed to be in the same place in life and not sure where to go next.
I mean... what did I do with my weekend? Developed a crush on a fictional character in between mourning my own life. No joke, If that guy, Lincoln, was shorter and you know... not a fictional character and an actual real life person, I'd totally date him. But noooooooo. In the book there's a short blonde hair girl named Emilie whom he's not remotely interested in even though she has a crush on him. (No joke. It's true.) At least I spell my name the right way! What do you have against us girls named Emily who are short with blond hair Rainbow Rowell? What did we ever do to you????
Let's just say there even included a little emotional freak out while I sat at Starbucks before church on Sunday where I was texting a friend of mine about my life woes while trying not to cry in public. Thinking about how I have no idea what I'm doing, I don't know where I want to go, and how I thought at this point I would have a better idea of both. How even when I have the best of intentions nothing seems to turn out the way I planned or the way it should. That's always a good time...
When I got to church I was able to get myself together and was able to see some friends I haven't seen in a few weeks. It was wonderful. Even though I didn't talk about what was bothering me, I knew they wouldn't have minded if I had talked about it, and just seeing them again was enough to help me get out of my funk for a bit. Amazing how friends can do that.
Then, when the service started, we read Romans 7:15- 25. It's a passage I've always found comforting.
I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate to do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that noting good lives in me, that is, my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do- this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God- thought Jesus Christ our Lord!
I know... it's kind of negative. But do you know why I find it so comforting? Because it's of the "big guys" of the Bible saying "I don't have my shit together."
How he wants to do awesome things but keeps screwing it up.
It's what all of my friends have been telling me. That none of us have it together. Which, I don't know why it didn't click until I read this in church. But oh well. That's life, right?
But it's true. NONE OF US HAVE OUR SHIT TOGETHER.
For a majority of people, life isn't what they thought it would be. We've make mistakes. We screw up good things. We aren't where we want to be.
But we get through it.
In Attachments, Linclon's sister Eve gives some great advice when he gets overwhelmed by wanting to fix everything in his life.
"So, what if instead of thinking about solving your whole life, you just think about adding additional good things. One at a time. Just let your pile of good things grow."
|Found this on Tumblr: http://damecatoe.tumblr.com/post/99410322877/what-if-instead-of-thinking-about-solving-your|
So... I might not have it together. But I can at least try to let my pile of good things grow, right?